Let’s talk about boundaries!

It is something I wish I had learned about much earlier in my life.

A boundary is an imaginary line that separates me from you. It separates your physical space, your feelings, needs, and responsibilities from others. Your boundaries also tell other people how they can treat you – what’s acceptable and what isn’t. Without boundaries, people may take advantage of you because you haven’t set limits about how you expect to be treated.

There are different types of boundaries we might set as women:

·      Emotional - Protecting our emotional wellbeing

·      Physical - protecting our physical space

·      Sexual – protecting our needs and safety sexually

·      Workplace – protecting our ability to do our work without interference or drama

·      Material – protecting our personal belongings

·      Time – protecting the use and misuse of our time

We can often feel overwhelmed in any one or several of these areas, so setting boundaries is an important skill to help us maintain a sense of balance and wellbeing in our personal and professional lives.

 Then why is it so hard to set boundaries?

Guilt, sadness. So many of us were raised in cultures that expect women to be polite, please others, look a certain way, and play by the rules. Oh, yes, and never complain (that’s not “attractive”).” 

Fear of not belonging — We fear that others won’t like us or our choices, often out of a deeper fear of abandonment or the loss of a relationship.

Important concepts for setting boundaries:

·      Self-awareness – being present and checking in with your body. We physically and emotionally feel when things aren’t right. Anger is often a sign that your boundaries are being crossed.

·      Communication – clearly communicating your boundaries is essential to ensure others understand and respect them. It’s not about telling other people what they must do. They get to make their own choices. It’s about letting them know, in a calm and non-threatening way, where you’ve drawn the line in your own life. It’s about clearly and calmly saying, “If you do x, I’ll do y.”  For example: If you yell or swear at me, I will hang up or leave the room.

·      Establishing boundaries between work and personal life so one does not overtake the other.

·      Saying “No” which can be so difficult for women because we are socialized to take on additional responsibilities and meet others’ expectations.

·      Emotional boundaries - Women should also set emotional boundaries to protect their mental health. This may involve limiting exposure to toxic relationships, avoiding emotional labor for others, and setting aside time for self-reflection and self-care. This can be the hardest of all for those of us who need to set boundaries with people we care about. 

While boundaries are clearly important, they can also become overly rigid. Rigid boundaries might make us feel safe and can be appropriate for certain relationships and situations, but they can also create too much space between us and others and can cause us to become isolated and disconnected. The goal is to maintain flexible boundaries that are rooted in our values and needs and can be relaxed when it feels safe to do so.

One psychologist writes: “Reframe your fear of hurting others. Setting boundaries can sometimes feel like hurt to those affected by your choices, so it is important to reframe the situation into an act of love, for yourself and them.  Let them know why what you are doing is the best for both of you. Honor your grief about setting boundaries. Sometimes a boundary means a loss or, feels like one.  Honor the feelings of grief that may come up, as these are honest truths that deserve to be recognized.  Take care of yourself in these moments so that you can fully honor your choices.”

Namaste!

Sources: inwardhealingtherapy.com, noworrieswellnes.org,  psychologytoday.com

Previous
Previous

Positive Thinking

Next
Next

The Best Form of Exercise